Interesting questions about love and the relationship between two people....

A good friend of mine posed this set of questions to me.....

"So, if attraction is what brings people together, what is it that keeps us together? Is it hard work and dedication to a relationship or is it something less definable? What do you think? Does it all really come down to chemistry?

The good news and bad news about chemistry is that we'll never fully understand how it works. Every relationship is an experiment; you never know exactly what you'll get. Some people bring out a side of you that you didn't know you had. Some people remind you that your story isn't over. Some people surprise you. And once in a while, you surprise yourself. And, although all relationships require compromise, sometimes you get more, not less. And sometimes, you can't get more. Sometimes what you had is gone forever. And, although it's painful, you have to find the strength to go on, to keep searching for the love, for that one perfect ingredient. No matter how far or how deep you have to go to find it."

It hit me to the core that this is a big part of relationships... What makes them tick.. What makes them survive and what makes them ultimately fail?

Question #1: So, if attraction is what brings people together, what is it that keeps us together?

Oh the attraction process.... You can probably remember the first time you laid eyes on that person, the first date, the first kiss, the first time... It is the fun stages in the relationship.. Everything is wild and new and free... You have found someone who you find attractive and you sometimes pinch yourself and ask why in the world is this person interested in me? But the physical attraction and the newness will wear off... The physical attraction is the beginning but not the entire basis of the relatioship...

So what keeps us together? Man what really does? If I had to give my opinion it would be the shear belief in someone.. Believe that even when they make a mistake and hurt you, not nice to you, let you down... Deep down you have this overwhelming feeling of belief in that person and when times get hard you can quickly go back and remind yourself why you love/loved them in the first place and believe that they will not always be this way.. Allow yourself to remember the wonderful memories that you once shared can and could be again with a little effort from both sides... Most of the time one person stops believing and stops trying to believe... Belief to me is what keeps you going when the bad and ugly days of any relationship come and you must face them...

Question #2: Is it hard work and dedication to a relationship or is it something less definable? What do you think? Does it all really come down to chemistry?

Some people have said that if you have to work hard in a relationship then the bond is no longer there and why keep trying if it will just get back to this... I am a believer in hard work and dedication and commitment to the bond of love between two people not just lovers but friends, family, and anyone you are in a close relationship with. Each day will have it's own shares of trials, disappoints, and letdowns... It is inevitable that someone you love is going to let you down... They are going to fail you and fall short... But if you loved them and cared for them enough you can work through the tough times... But you have to have chemistry to work through the tough times.. You have to be uncomfortable and dig down deep and talk out what you really feel deep down and not be afraid to accept responsiblity when you are wrong and learn from it... And that is alot easier said than done... I believe that a relationship/marriage is the HARDEST job you ever take on in your life... Every single day presents a new memory, happiness or a challenge... Chemistry is a part of it but two people working together to achieve the same goals and happiness to me is the answer to this.

Question #3:

The good news and bad news about chemistry is that we'll never fully understand how it works. Every relationship is an experiment; you never know exactly what you'll get. Some people bring out a side of you that you didn't know you had. Some people remind you that your story isn't over. Some people surprise you.

Every relationship is an experiment... that is beyond a doubt the truth... Why do we take the chances to open our lives, hearts, and guards down and let someone else in? Because we want to find happiness and we want to share our lives with others... That is why God created "woman" in the first place... We are not designed to be alone.. We are designed to be in a relationship... A relationship can drive you crazy at times because we can and are so guarded with ourselves and to allow someone else to have a say in our lives can be a very uneasy feeling... Sometimes it is easier to retreat within ourselves and shut everyone out... But it can only be temporary because we are not designed to be that way. But it is very true that some people bring out the best and some people bring out the worst in you... When you experience that total bliss of having someone in your life that changes you and brings out all of the good in you it is wonderful... It is the most joyous experience in the world... Do you still fight the change? Heck yes and you always will and that is were communication and compromise come into play... You may not always get the answer you seek in it but you have to find common ground and common mutual respect on the things that matter most to the other person through talking it out and rehashing it..

Some people can break on mutual terms after years of being together and growing apart from one another... That person can become your coach and your friend again but that takes time and it take the healing process to run it's course if you decide to end the relationship... It does not happen often but it does happen...

Question # 4: Some people surprise...

OMG is this a statement... I dont know how many times I have been treated certain ways by people and just set back and said..."Holy crap" I NEVER thought this person was capable of this or capable of hurting me the way they have done...

Question #5: And once in a while, you surprise yourself.

No one ever knows how they are going to handle the letdown and the separation or how they keep making a relationship last and flourish when the times get hard... Sometimes you have to find yourself again and sometimes you have to remind yourself that this is the path you have chosen and whether to stay in the fight or throw in the towel... In each side of the situation you can come out on the other end a better and stronger person for having experienced it or it can teach you many valuable life lessons...


Question #6: And, although all relationships require compromise, sometimes you get more, not less. And sometimes, you can't get more. Sometimes what you had is gone forever.

This to me is alot of times a one-sided battle... You can either mutally agree that it is gone forever or one can feel that way... It is so strange and confusing when you are on the other end of things and can see what it could be or what the future could hold... It is hard... The hardest part is the separation phase of it all.... You have to make adjustments in your life because all of your comforts you have known for the amount of time you have been together will change. You will not have that person to confide in, share the things you once shared, be able to communicate openly, and be around that person... The hardest thing for me is how to refocus your life without that person... It should not be shameful to feel regret, remorse, neglected, lonely, sad... You basically are attending a funeral all by yourself with no one to comfort you... No one else knows what or how that person made you feel or what he or she did to bring you happiness or comfort...

You have to bury that person and almost act like you are morning a death... There are many stages of mourning... Greiving, anger, bitterness, forgiveness, and restoration... The hardest part is going through the forgiveness... You want to hold onto all of the hurt and pain and not let it go and you have to figure that out on your own and in your own time and own way... The hardest part is you know they are still there on the other end of a phone, a text message, or an email.. If you wanted you could still reach out to that person... So many times you will type a text and delete it, dial their number over and over again but not hit send... You long so hard to reach out to them but you know you cannot.. The hardest part is accepting the bold truth about the situation... The best song I ever heard is Red Light by David Nail... We have all been there and we can remember at the very moment all of the hope and dreams we had and shared with someone become reality and we know it is over... That is one of the hardest days of your life but it is part of the healing process....

Red Light: David Nail

So this is how it ends
This is where it all goes down
This is what "I don't love you" feels like

It ain't the middle of the night
And it ain't even raining outside
It ain't exactly what I had in mind
For goodbye

At a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light

I thought she was gunna say
Somethin' about that couple kissin'
Crossin' the street
Or somethin' about this beautiful day

But she just looked me in the eye
Said it's over
Didn't try to lie
Or pick a fight
I might have seen it comin' thata way

But at a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin home
Some are leavin town
While my world's crashin down
On a Sunday in the sunshine
At a red light

There's a momma calmin' down a little baby
In the backseat in front of me
There's an old man dressed in his Sunday vest
Just waitin' on green
But I can't see, gettin' past

This red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin home
Some are leavin town
While my world's crashin down
On a Sunday in the sunshine
(At a red light)

At a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin home
Some are leavin town
While my world's crashin down
On a Sunday in the sunshine

At a red light (X4)

Question #7: And, although it's painful, you have to find the strength to go on, to keep searching for the love, for that one perfect ingredient. No matter how far or how deep you have to go to find it."

And this my friends is the HARDEST part of them all.... Is getting up the courage to let go and move on... For some it takes months, years, maybe never.... I think you always will and do carry the baggage from one relationship into the next.. You just have to always understand and be cautious to not be so quick to judge the next person... They are a different person with different outlooks on life and different morals... You have to be willing to accept that person and not hold them completely accountable for the failures in another relationship... Learn from what happened in the last one and fight to not let that same thing happen again in the next one... Accept that person soley on how they treat you and how they respect you... The hardest part is finding that person that is in the same healing process as you... Some people need someone else to help them through it and some people need time and time to reflect inside... Every person is different on how and when they decide it is time to pick up and carry on.... I have had friends that have exited a relationship and stayed alone for 6 months to a year and I have had some find happiness and comfort in someone after a few short months... But it all had to start and revolve around friendship and flourish from this area of it...

Love to me is worth the pain and anguish it can cause... It is a double edged blade because it can make you the happiest you have ever been in your life and it can push you to the deepest darkest hole you may ever feel... You dont want to sleep in your bed at night all alone, you dont want to eat dinner alone, you dont want to be alone.... Sometimes being alone is needed to bring peace and refocus. Everyone needs alone time and has to find that balance in a relationship to find it... But like I have said before we are drawn to relationships because at the very nature of our existense God intended us to be with someone... That is why in a marriage when the two become one... One flesh of body mind and spirit...

But each person defines happiness and contentment differently and two people may not always feel the same way in a relationship... It is hard work, dedication, and the will to percerviere any storm of life that the two face together... You have to let all outside influences from friends and family and even children in a divorced situation not let you detour your plans... You are the only person in this world that will make yourself happy.. No one else can tell you or help you find the balance... You have to want it everyday and want to work at it to make it last or eventually it will crumble and fall to pieces... A relationship and marriage is a constantly growing and evolving matter between two people... Something that can change in the blink of an eye.... I will find that eternal bliss and love one day... I just have to keep pushing forward and allowing myself to be vulnerable and hold out hope for tomorrow.... Each day brings it own new set of challenges and you have to take them all one day at a time.... Why worry about tomorrow when today has enough troubles of there own....

Good luck and thanks for reading....

Some pictures from our 2009 Beach trip

Gearing up for vacation

Dang what a crazy summer this has been!!! I dont think I will EVER schedule my vacation so late in the year again... But this year Steph and I did not have a choice due to finances and other things that we both have going on....

I always enjoy but dread getting ready to go on vacation... I am so much of a planning control freak that I get myself so worked up for nothing really... So many things to do so little time to get them done!

1. Laundry
2. Kids Laundry
3. Make sure all of my bills are paid
4. Make sure the car is clean (HUGE pet peave of mine before leaving on vacation!)
5. Make sure the oil is changed
6. Make sure to have everything I can think of possible packed
7. Make sure I have all of the girls stuff packed
8. Make sure the grass is cut
9. Make sure the house is clean

And on and on and on.... We leave on Saturday morning and I will probably be a human stress ball for the next 48 hours but when I hit the beach it is time to relax and enjoy ourselves... I have and always will scrape and save and go without all year to make sure that we have a vacation... It is something that I always treasured as a kid each year and I dont ever want my kids to go a year without a vacation... I put aside a certain amount of money every year out of my tax returns and at times it is so hard not to touch it but it is so worth it in the end... This vacation was long overdue in alot of ways because of the disaster that last year's vacation turned out to be... Heck even this year's has had it's own scary moments of not being what I had hoped and dreamed....

But honestly I know that after all the stress and the packing and driving and the planning... Sometime Saturday afternoon I will be walking out onto the beautiful beach barefoot and with the most important people in my life for a start to a wonderful week away from the stress and pressures of everyday life... I cannot wait to have an entire week of little or no distractions with my girls... I cannot wait to go on my first vacation with Steph and Emma and Andrew as well......

I love vacation and spending time with the one's I love the most.... It is like no other feeling in the world to know that I can ignore my blackberry for a change and I have a week to do what ever we feel like doing with no agendas! I cant wait to get into the ocean and watch my girls splash and play and be kids and not have a care in the world... I cannot wait to take them to Mammie's kitchen for our annual crab leg dinner...

This summer has been alot of fun but has had it fair shares of ups and downs.... Steph has had to put all of her efforts and most of her time into completing her CPA exam.. Countless hours boarded up in her house and on her bed studying the days and nights away.... We both knew that it was going to be tough but I dont think either of us knew how tough it could be... I cannot say how proud I am of her for the determination she has had to get through this... I have not been the best "boyfriend" to her at times and my patience has worn thin at times... But she may never know how proud I am of her for the way she lives her life.... She has this swagger about the way she carries herself and has more pure drive and determination beyond any other person I have met... It is not just in the way she studies but in the way she juggles so much... Me, the kids, a job, a house, a garden, friendships, personal times, and so much more... I am blessed that I have every other week to do the things in my life that I want to do... It is hard at times to be away from Emily and Hannah but I know that they are fine and are having a good time away with their mom.... We talk alot and not everyday but just about....

The winds of change are blowing in and blowing in a hurry for both me and Steph... I am having such a hard time right now thinking of my oldest little girl growing her wings and moving from the security of elementary school and into the world of middle school.... I am so worried for the changes that will happen in her life and the things that she will be exposed to now... I remember so vividly how hard the middle school years were on me and I just hope and pray that I have equipped her and shown her right from wrong... I hope to keep her very involved with the youth group at church and in sports and to be there and support her as much as I can to make sure that she does not stray off the right path and take the wrong path... I know that the next few years are going to be tough on her and I can no longer protect her like I could before... Soon she will be too cool for Dad...

Steph is dealing with her own little issue because Mr. Andrew will finally start school this year... I already have the Cave Spring Rescue Squad on standy by for 7:00 AM on Monday 8/24/09 with the oxygen and the tissues.... I know how hard it was for me when both of my girls did this and it stings even worse when your youngest stares at you out the window of the bus for the first time and ways at you as they go off in the distance... It is hard to let go and let them grow up....

But this and the winds of change will come weather we want it to our not... I just want to enjoy the time I have now and am SO looking forward to a nice and relaxing vacation to the beach.... And then I will come home and face the challenges ahead of us!

Dismayed and Discouraged

Dismayed and Discouraged… “But now trouble comes to you, and you are discouraged; it strikes you, and you are dismayed.” Job 4:4

Life can give you fits. It can squeeze you like a cold and insensitive mechanical vice. Before you realize it, you spiral down into a dungeon of dismay and discouragement. It is not a desirable or good place to live. It stinks actually. Yet, sometimes we find ourselves drowning in a cesspool of cynicism, unable to get out. The harder we try, the more difficult it gets. Problems loom larger than life, and there seems to be no hope for now. People let us down. People do dumb things. People seem to care less. Dismay and discouragement have pressed you into a careless corner. You are alone and afraid. It all seems unfair, because you have done your best to please God and others. You have served with a sincere and diligent heart. On the surface it seems like you have done all the right things, but you can’t get a break. Even the people you respect the most seem to be ignoring you. You have become high maintenance; therefore you are off limits to those who used to seek your counsel. When you need them the most, they are absent. Or, if they do come around, it is only to hurl insults and conclusions about what you need to do differently. This may be one of the hardest times of your life. You really don’t know which way to turn. It seems like you have exhausted all your options. However, you still have Christ, and He has you. Together you can triumph over trouble.

Trouble is temporary. Christ is eternal. He is your hope when life seems hopeless. He is your security when chaotic circumstances seem to be in control. He is your peace when fear locks its fangs into your faith. He is the truth when lies assault your thinking. Jesus understands your discouragement. Indeed, the Christian life is mostly lived between the valley and the mountain top. Now may be your valley experience, but there is a mountain top that lies ahead. The path is not always easy or pretty, but you can count on Christ as your companion. No hurt is too deep that the depths of His forgiveness cannot heal. No rejection is so severe that the allurement of His acceptance cannot comfort. No trouble is so crippling that the whirlpool of His trust cannot rehabilitate. Fear may have ambushed you, but His hope is there to rescue and release you from its prison of pride. It is during times of despair that we can unashamedly draw deep down into the well of His grace. His grace is sufficient. His grace is generous and good. Stay immersed in the grandeur of His grace. Trouble will drain your tank of grace, but trust refills it. Don’t try to run the engine of your life without a full tank of grace. Otherwise, you will sputter along and eventually break down and burn out. God’s grace generates hope and trust. Cling to Christ and dismiss discouragement. Be not dismayed, but be hopeful. Overcome trouble with trust in God. This trouble is temporary, so look to the eternal. Jesus is your friend that sticks closer than a brother.

Divorce-When you have done all you can

The good news is that God doesn't reject divorcees who acknowledge their failure and ask him for his help and forgiveness. Think of the woman at the well who had had several husbands and was not married to the man she was now living with! Did Jesus reject her? No. In fact he used her to take the gospel to the people in her town! We probably would have given her the "left foot of fellowship." Think, too, of the woman caught in the act of adultery! Did Jesus reject her? No, he didn't. And while he didn't condone her behavior, he loved and accepted her and helped to free her from her sinful lifestyle.

Certainly divorce should ever only be the last step after every honest attempt has been made to save the marriage. But unless both partners are committed to personal honesty, facing the truth about their contribution to the conflict, and are willing to grow, change and work on their own recovery, it is hopeless. In my experience, I have witnessed that in most failed relationships too many people play the blame–game and as long as they blame the other person for their problems, without facing what they have contributed to the breakup, there is no resolution and there is no hope for resolving the conflict. The reality is that we are as sick—or as healthy—as the people we are attracted to.

God's Word also reminds us to live, if possible, peaceably with all people,² which is implying that it isn't always possible to do this. And that it is better to live in the corner of the housetop than in a wide house with a quarrelsome partner.³ So when we think about what God has to say about divorce, let's not forget the many other Scriptures that apply to relationships.

Another thing I urge divorcees is to see their failed marriage as God's wakeup call for them to face and work through their character issues/weaknesses to ensure that they won't make the same mistake again, for what we don't resolve, we are destined to repeat. And God will allow us to keep repeating our mistakes until we get it! But once we learn what we need to learn, we don't need to keep learning the hard way. What God wants for all of us is to be made whole, for only to the degree that we are made whole will our lifestyle, attitude, behavior, actions and relationships be whole–some.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to be open and honest in my relationships—with you and with all the important people in my life; help me to face and resolve my character weaknesses, and to be 'as Christ' to others so I will be protected against divorce and other failed relationships. Thank you God for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

The effects of a son without a father

If you are man and have lost your father to death, or your father checked out and walked out on you in your childhood, then you can relate quite well to this story. When I was six years old I lost my father to death. My father put a gun to the side of his head and ultimately took his own life. But he took a big part of my own life with him that day.

I dont have alot of memories of my father, very few and far between. I only can remember him now through others memories, and through photographs. I have been told by many that my father was a good man, a christian, and a man who loved his family dearly. The last statement is something I have wrestled with so my entire life and more specifically after my own children have been born into the world. How could someone be so selfish as to check out and leave a child behind to fend for themselves. I cant say that it is harder for a son to loose his father then it would be for a daughter. But as a man, I needed him, I needed him to take me on a journey and be there for me for everything that my childhood, teen years, and adulthood would throw my way. So many things happened to me that were the direct result of his selfishness and this has caused alot of bitterness, never understanding, and hurts.

For so long I bought into the idea that my father was mentally sick, what my family had lead me to want to understand. My father was a welder for Norfolk & Southern. A very hard working man, and a dedicated man. I remember alot of times as a child going with him to do side jobs. When we wasnt working his fulltime job he could usually be found doing side jobs. Mowing lawns, cleaning offices, and trying to make money to provide for us as a family and equip my mom to be able to stay at home with me and my brother. We had a nice home, stable life, as much as I can remember. I am told that my dad got into some wrong things at work, which is what ultimately started his downward spiral into depression. Something I too myself inherited from him. Anxiety, depression, and fear of control is things that he passed down to me. And alcohol abuse was apparent in his life as well.

My father and a few others that he worked with at the railroad started to remove items from job sites and store them in our family barn. Removing=stealing. I dont really know what all was taken, but I have been told that my dad went through a transformation in his spiritual walk. Once this revealation happened in his life he started to change. He decided to give up alcohol and walk away from it on his own. I can remember attending church at Vinton Wheslyn Church on a regular basis with him and my mom.

Things had started to change in him I am told, and the guilt of stealing from his employer had caught up and convicted him. He came clean with his supervisor one day at work. The railroad sent employee's with him to retreive these items from my family's barn. My dad admitted to the theft of these items and came clean. A noble jesture for a man, and especially a man of faith. But he was not alone in this venture. Others on his "gang" I will call them at work had there hands in it as well. Fear starts to set in these men, that they too will be indicted and that my dad will eventually rat them out. This caused a great deal of turmoil for my father at work. He was immediately pushed out of the in crowd and was no longer a part of the "gang". But he still had to face these men every day and they had to face him. I am sure that this made for quite a stressful time everyday in his job.

These men turned on my father and made his life a living hell at work. I remember the multiple times he was off work with patches over his eyes. They enjoyed inflicting pain on him anyway they could, emotionally, but more often than not physically. Many times when my father would return from a break and as a welder, pull his shield down to protect his eyes, the shield would not offer protection. It would cause enormous pain when small schards of metal would be thrown into his face. See the guys at work would pick up the small shavings of metal and throw handfuls of it in his shield. Sometimes he would find it and others he would not. Sometimes they would right behind him and catch him off guard and place it in there right behind his back. Numerous eye injuries would occur to him. But vividly I remember a time when he was held down by these men and his leg was broken on a railroad track.

These men did many brutal things to my father, but he never was smart enough to know when to say when and walk away from it. He was a man, and men dont run from there problems. So many things happened to him through this time, lawyers were involved over things and phone calls were made to our family home. Warnings of me and my brother being kidnapped from school if this was not dropped. So many things that drove my father over the edge. I was given a suitcase by my mother when I was 18 years old. My dad journaled alot of stuff in small notebooks. Near the end of his life, he was so paranoid and was constantly afraid for his safety, our safety, and the fear of being followed.

I will never forget the day that my father died. It is something that still lives in me everyday and I can recall it just like the memory of my children being born. I remember my mother crying, all of my family started to pour into the house. The day it happened is still very fresh in my mind. My father was supposed to be at a side job that afternoon, the person called the house to look for my dad. Oh the days of no pagers, cell phones, etc... etc.... Immediately I remember my mother getting concerned. After that phone conversation, the gun that my mother had bought for him was found to be missing. My uncles and family starting searching the area for many places he could be. Our family land known as the mountain place, other side job locations, looking anywhere he could possibly be. I remember standing in the front yard of Martha Turner's house and looking at every car drive down the road and getting my hopes dashed because it was not my father's Black F150 with white spoke wheels driving down the road. I can still remember the sound of that truck firing up from the years my mom kept it after he had died. Night had begun to fall and the reality had started setting in that things were looking bleak.

The phone call comes in, my dad had been found. But the outcome was not good and he was gone. I will never forget all of the people in our frontyard that night, the memory of a Roanoke County Sheriff's deputy car having to come physically to our house and notify my mother in person that Dave "Pete" Richardson Sr had taken his own life on the property of Norfolk & Southern. The truth was told to my family on this day. But the truth was never revealed to me and my brother. We were told that he had an accident at work and nothing more than that. We were young and innocent and didnt need to know the gory details I would assume.

The days after my dad's death are very blury to me. I can still remember helping my mom pick out my favorite pipe for him. My father enjoyed smoking a pipe, and memories I have of going to Milan Bros downtown with him are fun memories. I chose a pipe that was special to him. My mom now says that he had to save up to purchase the one that is now in his hands. I remember that day, going into the store and watching him purchase this pipe. I always enjoyed going there because of the smell of all of the different types of tobacco and I would always be given a plastic pipe of my own. Enjoying those and trying to be just like my dad, you could put detergent in them and blow bubbles with them. But mostly I remember all of the spit that would accumulate in them.

I remember chosing the Polaroid picture of me, my brother, and my mom on the beach in Myrtle Beac that was placed in his casket. How much fun that trip was and how the adventure of riding the entire way down and back to the beach was so awesome. He threw a fullsize mattress in the bed of the truck, created a bed for me and my brother Darrell and we slept for most of the way down. The bed cover was on the truck of course, and memories of how loud the noise was driving down the old two lanes roads to the beach would be when the sprinkers would shoot water out onto the traffic and the thundering boom it made hitting the bedcover. I chose this picture because of what that trip had meant to me as a child and how fun it was to be at the beach with my family and all of the memories from staying there and getting to spend time with my dad.

I remember picking out his suit that he is buried in now. A nice baby blue suite that ended up matching his casket. Going to the funeral home for the first time and alot of that is a blurr. I remember seeing my dad in the casket, seeing the pipe I had chosen, the picture, and all of the people who wanted to hug me. I remember thinking that he was asleep and telling my mom to wake him up and her trying to do her best to explain it to us. The most vivid reminder I have of all of the funeral was the ride from the funeral home to cememetary. Riding in the yellow buick with my grandfather and grandmother, my brother, and mother. Falling right in behind the hurse and getting yelled at by my grandfather to stop being a baby and stop crying.

The day of the funeral I remember going back out to the cemetary and picking flowers off of the vast amount of flowers that were sent. My father was a well known and respected man, had alot of friends and never met a stranger, well that is what has been told to me from my family and numerous people have approached me over the years and said I had to be Pete Richardson's son. We look almost identical and the way my life has played out reflect alot of things in him.

Like I said earlier, my family decided that it was best for me and my brother to not be told the truth until we were old enough to understand it. I lived my entire childhood and teen years with the knowledge that my dad had been hit in the head by a piece of metal that had fallen off of a shelf at work and this is what killed him. That story and the truth are two totally different things. I was 19 years old, standing in the kitchen of my Aunt Doris's house when I finally asked my mom the question that she never wanted me to ask. "Mom, what really happened with Dad?". I was 19 years old and my brother was 17 years old. I will never forget the look on her face and my Aunt's face as well as my cousins Lisa, Dean, and Dee Dee. We had moved in with my Aunt that summer because we were forced to sell the home I had known my entire life because of my ex-step-father.

My mom that night finally came clean with me and my brother and told us the truth of what had transpired the years before that. The day my father committed suicide was on my mother's birthday. The night before he did this he gave me and my brother both a bath together. Tucked us both in the bed and fell asleep in the bed with me. My mom woke him up later in the night and he went to bed with her. The morning that my father left for work, he reached over and gave my mother a kiss goodbye and asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She told him that she didnt need anything that she was happy with just having him and the kids. He told her that he was going to give her a birthday present that she would never forget and walked out the door for the last time.

He drove to work at Schaffers crossing back his black Ford F-150 into a secluded part of the parking lot next to a large stone. Alot of questions surrounding this will never be answered. Norfolk & Southern police dept handled the entire investigation and questions are still unanswered to this day. But he pulled out a blue plated 38 caliber snubnosed revolver, put it to his temple and shot himself once in the head. The bullet never left the cavity of his skull and the autopsy revealed that died on impact of the bullet hitting his brain. But so many things that never added up have never been solved. Was he met by force and pushed into this happening? His shoes were completely filled with blood, the blood spatter in the cab of the truck was questionable. He had packed a lunch for this day at work, and his body sat in the cab of the truck hunched over for the entire duration of the work day. Several people had parked near his truck that day and his body was not discovered until after 8:00 PM that night.

So many questions, but no answers as it always is in a suicide. No letter, no note, just a simple selfish act of checking out when you want and not giving anyone the closure that is so required in the death of a loved one. But it wouldnt change anything. My dad checked out, he was either taken from me or he took himself from me. I dont buy into the uncertainty surrounding it. The books and notes show a man troubled and a man worried. But why not walk away from it? Why not give up on the railroad and find another job with no stress, no worries. This is one of many questions I have for him.

I dont know if it was right of my family to hold the news back from me and my brother for as long as they did. I know it changed my brother alot. He already was upset because he had no memory at all of my father. He didnt have the few memories that I have of good times and the image of him alive. I still think holding this from us for so long is what ultimately gave my brother the thoughts in his head that it was ok to take his own life as well. Suicide is the single most selfish way you can die. You leave those in your life that love you and depend on you with no answers and they are left to constantly question the reasons why you do it. My brother left a note, but it didnt reveal anything to us.

My dad checked out on me. He was not there to be the model of a father that I so desparately needed for my life. I was left to go at this on my own, with no stability, no direction. I didnt have what all of my friends had. I didnt have a dad that was my baseball coach, went to boy scouts with me, taught me how to fish, how to hunt, how to be a man. Instead that was left solely on my mother. With me having two children of my own now, I see just how important having both parents be involved in your life is. How there are so many things that I do and provide for the girls. There mother is there for the girly things, but I am there for the love, disciple, and the push. The push to take them out of there comfort zone and put them into situations that will make them excel. A mother by there very nature is a nuturer and will always shadow there child away from things that could hurt them.

I had always thought that I had recovered from this wound and was complete with the circumstances but counseling has shown me that I am not even close. I still have the wound and I carry it with me everyday. In the book Wild at Heart written by John Eldridge he talks about how a father's love and for a son to know he is the beloved son is so important. I never had that acknowledgement in my life. I have always looked to women in my life for affirmation that I am doing what is right. That is all I have ever know because no man in my life with the exception of my grandfather ever cared enough to try and instill masculinity in me as a young man. It is not my mother's fault, she had a heart of love as a mother. She cannot do or provide the things and oppourtunities that a father figure can for a young man.

I remember the nights that both of my daughters were born. Being in the hospital with new life in my own hands and being mad at my dad and my brother. Mad because they too robbed Hannah and Emily. They will never be given the right to know Uncle Darrell or Granddaddy Pete. The lord has blessed them with another man in my mother's life in Roger or better known by Hannah and Emily as "Mammie" that has treated them with great care and compassion, and they will never be thought of by them other than there grandfather. He came in and saved the day for them and has been crucial in there own lives.

Roger came into my life at the age of 19. A very hard time in a young man's life for him to try and get close to another man as a father figure. Roger and I are not on the best of terms alot of times. We just cant seem to understand one another and alot of it has to do with our own pasts. My character and role model of a father or husband was destroyed by my ex-step-father Kerry Plunkett. He probably did the most damage to me in my life and that is going to be in another blog. But it all goes back to my dad. How this selfish act of suicide defined my life and my brother's life as men. The foundation had been poured by him and he left us at the most cruical point in our lives when we needed him the most.

This is what upsets me the most with my dad. He had an option out, he could have thrown in the towel and gotten away from all of the hurts and struggles that he endured at the railroad. A job is nor should it ever consume you this much. I have learned valuable lessons from this tragedy. This was the main reason why I didnt have any second thoughts of turning in my badge as a police officer. But the truth is, I knew I didnt have it in me to be a police officer. It stretched me way out of my comfort zone. It put me in a world of alot of unknowns, a world that I was not prepared to be in, and it was largely because my dad had not taught me how to be a man.

That may sound like a bashing again, but when I took on this job I was not prepared for the amount of masculinity, attitude, and pig-headed macho men that were the uniform everyday. This is a much harser reality for a man to say "Do you have what it takes" and question it. It was a much different job then what I ever thought. I regret not taking that challenge all the way, but I also dont regret it completely either because I was able to walk away from a job that could cause me alot of pain and walk away clean. Why couldnt dad do the same thing.

As a father of two girls I now know what it is like to be a parent. How much work it involves, and how much benefit you can get out of it. Being able to give them the things I never had in my life as a child is what drives me to be the person that I am as a parent. I am so blessed to have them every other week after my divorce. Most men never get the chance's that I have and alot of days I feel like I take advantage of it alot and dont do as much as I should. But I am still here, fighting the fight and doing what I can to make them happy and support them in everyway I know how.

I dont know what I am trully feeling right now towards my dad, I feel cheated, left behind to fend for myself, and still have unanswered questions about how he could just decide on his own accord we were not important enough to him to fight for to be here. I kinda feel hostile towards my mother in some way, that she waited too long to tell us. I know I shouldnt be mad at my mother, but I am disappointed. There are so many things that I never got to experience as a young man that now having experienced them for the first time in life they bring me so much happiness.

I was kept away from my family that hunted and did things outdoors. Mainly because guns or hurtful things would be involved in it. My mother did this out of protection as a nuturier as every mother should, but it robbed me of alot of years to learn to be a man and really feel like a normal man. Being in the woods with other men holding a shotgun and waiting on a prey to appear is the most exzilarting thing I have ever experienced. I have only been once in my life but was hooked the first cool day in November I was given the chance to go.

I am still in the depths of this wound in my life and seeking out direction on how to find the closure in it I need. Hopefully if you are a father or a mother that is reading this today, you can take from this the importance of a father figure in a man's life. Not just a father figure, but a man who wants to be an active part of a young child, young man's life. We need to be taught the ways of this world, the ways to be a husband, ways to be a father, by there examples.

We tend to follow the examples that have been given to us and think this is the way it is supposed to be. The example I had was not a very good one and I see how it affected me and how it molded me into the person I had become. I have to find the closure necessary to realize the example give to me is not the one that I need to rely on. This is going to take some time to accomplish, but it can be done.

God is the ultimate example to each of us as to what a father should be. God wants to be our father and the person who guides us in the path we need to live. It is so hard and so difficult to think this way. I am learning to trust in him more, and learn to look at the trials in my life as a form of discipline. God uses these trials in our lives to mold us into the person he wants us to be. I have finally stopped asking God "Why me? Why did this happen?" and learn to ask "Ok, what do you want me to see in this?" What are you trying to teach me?"

When you take this approach to your life things start to make more sense. You learn from your first mistake and this keeps you from making the same mistake. Man is it hard to trust and follow God. It is probably the most challenging thing I have ever done yet in my life, to believe he has something better in store for me, even in the midst of a tragedy. But I hope to one day be able to stand on the mountain top and look back at the valley and remember where I started and where I ended up. It is a work in progress to say the least.

So many times I have wanted it fixed yesterday, but I have learned that it is all in God's timing and his timing is good. Do not interpret his temporary silence in a time of struggles as a sign that he is unsupportive or not working on it. This time is a faith builder and a faith tester and a time for you to grow in him.

Stay tuned for the outcome in this blog, I am still searching for the answers to how I heal from this and get the question answered once and for all. "God, what do you want me to learn from this? What do you want me to see?"

The effect of Pride

"Those who walk in pride he is able to humble."

Pride is deceived, as it walks in deception believing things that are untrue. It thinks it is in control and is responsible for its accomplishments. Pride has an inflated belief in itself and a condescending attitude toward others. It is all wrapped up in its own agenda. Pride may even mouth the right words, but its behavior deceives its sincerity. Pride is a product of unaccountable living. Without checks and balances, pride develops a track record of deception that leads to defeat. Furthermore, the greatest deception of pride is to set itself up against God. You can go through the motions of religious activity without brokenness and obedience. This is the pinnacle of pride. The audacity to use God is the ultimate deception. God will not be used. He will not be mocked, nor will He allow pride to roam free. Pride tries to convince you that you are God's gift to the world, but that was Jesus. God gave us His son for the forgiveness of your sins. This reminder is meant to flush out pride and replace it with humility. Pride and humility cannot coexist. Humility understands and does not forget that God is the author of all good things. His Holy Spirit cuts through pride's deception and replaces it with humility's reality. The reality is, without the blessings of God people are paupers lost in pride.

Moreover, humility and brokenness break the bonds of pride. You know pride is losing its grip when you release control of your life. Humility lets go. You let go of recognition. You let go of hurt feelings. You let go of the past. You let go of judging. You let go of bad habits. You let go of your family. You let go of work. You let go of relationships. You let go of having to be right. You let go of having to have your way. You let it go and you leave it with God. This is what it means to trust God. Humility and trust go hand-in-hand, as much as pride and control. It is uncanny how humility and trust lead to more responsibility and power, while pride and control lose it. This is the great deception of pride. Pride thinks it is in control, but it is not.

Humility recognizes God's control and is trusted with more. When you humble yourself in your relationships, you will be given more peace and fulfillment. Stiffen up in pride and you will lose trust and joy. Therefore, give up on your way of doing things and submit to God's way. Do not force your agenda; rather acquiesce to the Almighty's. If you continue to demand control, you are deceived. Pride will cause you to lose what you desire most and receive what you most regret. However, humility exposes you to God's eternal benefits. He will bless you far beyond what you expect or deserve. The benefit of humility way outweighs the illusion of pride. Humble yourself, before God does. The Bible says, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time" (1 Peter 5:6).